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" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

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" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "