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" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

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" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "