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" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "
Dave Barry
Golf
Open
Today
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" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "
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" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "
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" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "
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" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "
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" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "
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" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "
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" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "
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" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "
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" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "
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" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "
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" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "
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Like
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" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "
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Your
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" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "
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Gravity
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" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "
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God
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" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "
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" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "
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" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "
Dave Barry
Playing
Always
Ball
" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "
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You
Everything
Enough
" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "
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Sleeping
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" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "
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" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "
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Stupid
" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "
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Know
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" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "
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Size
Fact
Egg
" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "
Dave Barry
Ireland
Island
Rural
" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "
Dave Barry
Sports
Problem
Winter
" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "
Dave Barry
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Religion
" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "
Dave Barry
Time
Doubt
Anybody
" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "
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Person
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" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "
Dave Barry
You
Only
Once