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" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

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" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "