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" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

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" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "