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" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

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" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "