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" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

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" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "