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" Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. "

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" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "