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" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

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" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "