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" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

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" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "