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" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

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" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "