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" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

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" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "