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" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

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" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "