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" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

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" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "