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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "
David Letterman
Plan
Daughter
Brand
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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "
David Letterman
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Good
" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "
David Letterman
Debate
Now
Own
" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "
David Letterman
Thanksgiving
Now
Warm
" There is no off position on the genius switch. "
David Letterman
Position
Genius
Switch
" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "
David Letterman
Who
Those
Wrong
" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "
David Letterman
Fun
Years
Transition
" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "
David Letterman
Happiness
Bring
Doing
" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "
David Letterman
Traffic
New
New York
" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "
David Letterman
Like
Accounting
Business
" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "
David Letterman
Know
Courage
Believe
" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "
David Letterman
Apology
Gift
Secrets
" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "
David Letterman
American
War
Thinking
" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
David Letterman
Thought
Water
Weather
" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "
David Letterman
Thinking
Paris
Know
" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "
David Letterman
Enjoy
Man
Woman
" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
David Letterman
Name
Doing
Republican
" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "
David Letterman
Mind
Paris
Now
" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "
David Letterman
Know
Giving
You
" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
David Letterman
Home
God
Love
" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "
David Letterman
Trees
Color
Birds
" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "
David Letterman
Party
You
Body
" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "
David Letterman
Had
Face
Boy
" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "
David Letterman
You
Saying
Know
" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "
David Letterman
President
Silent
Been
" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "
David Letterman
Worth
Anything
Doing
" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "
David Letterman
Coffee
Personality
" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "
David Letterman
Importance
Next
Pull
" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "
David Letterman
People
Now
Great
" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "
David Letterman
Defeated
Good
News
" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
David Letterman
New York
You
Remember