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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
David Letterman
Name
Doing
Republican
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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "
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" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "
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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "
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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "
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" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "
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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "
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" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "
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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "
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" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "
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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "
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Switch
" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "
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Body
" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "
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Plan
Daughter
Brand
" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "
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Fun
Years
Transition
" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "
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Enjoy
Man
Woman
" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "
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Talk
Sing
Dance
" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
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Home
God
Love
" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "
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You
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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "
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Who
Those
Wrong
" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "
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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "
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Debate
Now
Own
" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "
David Letterman
Three
People
Survey
" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "
David Letterman
Traffic
New
New York
" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "
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Off
President
Wind
" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "
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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "
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Mind
Paris
Now
" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "
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Defeated
Good
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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "
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Good
" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "
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