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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

David Letterman

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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

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" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

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