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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

David Letterman

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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

David Letterman

" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "

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" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "

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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

David Letterman

" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

David Letterman

" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

David Letterman

" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

David Letterman

" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

David Letterman

" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

David Letterman

" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

David Letterman

" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

David Letterman

" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

David Letterman

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

David Letterman

" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

David Letterman

" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

David Letterman

" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "

David Letterman

" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "

David Letterman

" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

David Letterman

" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

David Letterman

" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

David Letterman

" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

David Letterman

" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

David Letterman

" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

David Letterman

" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

David Letterman