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" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "
David Letterman
You
Saying
Know
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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "
David Letterman
Know
Courage
Believe
" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "
David Letterman
Apology
Gift
Secrets
" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
David Letterman
New York
You
Remember
" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "
David Letterman
Unconscious
Just
Trying
" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
David Letterman
Thought
Water
Weather
" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "
David Letterman
Say
Bad
Good
" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "
David Letterman
Coffee
Personality
" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "
David Letterman
Who
Those
Wrong
" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "
David Letterman
Enjoy
Man
Woman
" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "
David Letterman
People
Now
Great
" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "
David Letterman
Happiness
Bring
Doing
" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "
David Letterman
American
War
Thinking
" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "
David Letterman
Three
People
Survey
" There is no off position on the genius switch. "
David Letterman
Position
Genius
Switch
" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "
David Letterman
Know
Giving
You
" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "
David Letterman
Thanksgiving
Now
Warm
" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "
David Letterman
Like
Accounting
Business
" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
David Letterman
Home
God
Love
" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "
David Letterman
Talk
Sing
Dance
" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "
David Letterman
You
Spring
Forward
" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "
David Letterman
Thinking
Paris
Know
" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "
David Letterman
Wherever
Great
Land
" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "
David Letterman
President
Silent
Been
" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
David Letterman
Name
Doing
Republican
" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "
David Letterman
Fun
Years
Transition
" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "
David Letterman
Plan
Daughter
Brand
" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "
David Letterman
American
Am
Believe
" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "
David Letterman
Off
President
Wind
" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "
David Letterman
Party
You
Body
" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "
David Letterman
Run
Body
Fact