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" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

David Letterman

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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

David Letterman

" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

David Letterman

" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

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" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

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" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

David Letterman

" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "

David Letterman

" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

David Letterman

" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

David Letterman

" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

David Letterman

" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

David Letterman

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

David Letterman

" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "

David Letterman

" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

David Letterman

" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

David Letterman

" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "

David Letterman

" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

David Letterman

" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

David Letterman

" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

David Letterman

" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

David Letterman

" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

David Letterman

" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

David Letterman

" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

David Letterman

" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "

David Letterman

" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

David Letterman

" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

David Letterman

" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

David Letterman

" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

David Letterman