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" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

David Letterman

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

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" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "

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" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "

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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

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" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

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" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

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" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

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" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

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" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

David Letterman