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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

David Letterman

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" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

David Letterman

" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

David Letterman

" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

David Letterman

" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

David Letterman

" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

David Letterman

" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

David Letterman

" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

David Letterman

" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

David Letterman

" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "

David Letterman

" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

David Letterman

" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

David Letterman

" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "

David Letterman

" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

David Letterman

" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

David Letterman

" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

David Letterman

" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

David Letterman

" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "

David Letterman

" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

David Letterman

" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

David Letterman

" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

David Letterman

" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

David Letterman

" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

David Letterman

" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

David Letterman

" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

David Letterman

" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

David Letterman

" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "

David Letterman

" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

David Letterman

" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

David Letterman

" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

David Letterman

" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

David Letterman