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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

David Letterman

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" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "

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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

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" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

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" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

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" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "

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" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

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" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

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" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

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" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

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" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

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" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

David Letterman

" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

David Letterman

" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

David Letterman

" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

David Letterman

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "

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" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

David Letterman