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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

David Letterman

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

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" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

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" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

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" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

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" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

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" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "

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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

David Letterman

" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

David Letterman

" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "

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" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

David Letterman

" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

David Letterman