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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

David Letterman

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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

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" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

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" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "

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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

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" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

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" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "

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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

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" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

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" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

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