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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "
David Letterman
Importance
Next
Pull
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" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "
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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
David Letterman
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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "
David Letterman
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People
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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "
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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "
David Letterman
Wherever
Great
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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
David Letterman
Thought
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" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "
David Letterman
Had
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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "
David Letterman
Thanksgiving
Now
Warm
" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "
David Letterman
American
Am
Believe
" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "
David Letterman
Coffee
Personality
" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "
David Letterman
Health
Man
Good
" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "
David Letterman
You
Spring
Forward
" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "
David Letterman
Plan
Daughter
Brand
" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "
David Letterman
Thinking
Paris
Know
" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "
David Letterman
Last
God
Things
" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "
David Letterman
Fun
Years
Transition
" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
David Letterman
Home
God
Love
" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "
David Letterman
Run
Body
Fact
" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "
David Letterman
Apology
Gift
Secrets
" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "
David Letterman
Defeated
Good
News
" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "
David Letterman
Worth
Anything
Doing
" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "
David Letterman
You
Know
Great
" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "
David Letterman
Talk
Sing
Dance
" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "
David Letterman
President
Silent
Been
" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
David Letterman
New York
You
Remember
" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "
David Letterman
Know
Courage
Believe
" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "
David Letterman
Off
President
Wind
" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "
David Letterman
Happiness
Bring
Doing
" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "
David Letterman
Like
Accounting
Business
" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "
David Letterman
Enjoy
Man
Woman