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" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "

David Letterman

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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

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" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

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" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

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" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

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" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

David Letterman

" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "

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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

David Letterman

" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

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" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

David Letterman

" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

David Letterman

" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

David Letterman

" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

David Letterman

" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

David Letterman

" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

David Letterman

" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

David Letterman

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

David Letterman

" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

David Letterman