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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

David Letterman

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

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" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "

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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

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" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

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" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "

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" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

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" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

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