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" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

David Letterman

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" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "

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" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

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" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

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" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

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" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

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" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

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" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

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" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "

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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

David Letterman

" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

David Letterman

" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

David Letterman

" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "

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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

David Letterman

" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

David Letterman

" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

David Letterman

" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

David Letterman

" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

David Letterman

" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

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" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "

David Letterman

" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

David Letterman

" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

David Letterman

" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

David Letterman

" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

David Letterman

" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

David Letterman

" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

David Letterman

" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

David Letterman