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" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

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" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here. "

" Jeffrey Zeldman had an astonishing ability to craft a seductive coolness using educated references, dry humor, and retro/organic imagery. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. "

" Men live by intervals of reason under the sovereignty of humor and passion. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor. "

Stephen Hawking

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble. "

" You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you show them the other side, they don't like you as much. I find, too, that I can hide behind the idiot's mask being funny, and you never see the sorrow or the pain. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" We get to live in a time that we get to use social media as a tool. It's not just a face on a piece of paper, and that's what makes you someone's favorite model. We can have a very similar sense of humor as someone, and that's why we're their favorite model, or our personal style, off the runway, is why we're their favorite. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. "

" My life is part humor, part roses, part thorns. "

" Humor is reason gone mad. "

" I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "