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" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

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" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "