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" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

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" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "