Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

Steven Wright

Mind

You

Love

Related Quotes:

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

Steven Wright

Car

Funeral

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

Steven Wright

Just

Here

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

Steven Wright

Been

Selling

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "