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" So, do you live around here often? "
Steven Wright
You
Around
Here
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" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
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" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "
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" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
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" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "
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" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "
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" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
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" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "
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" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "
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" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
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" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
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" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
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" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
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" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "
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" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "
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" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
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" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "
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" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
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" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
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" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "
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" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "
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" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
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" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
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" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
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" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
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Chocolate
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" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "
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Thinking
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" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
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" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
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Heat
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" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
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" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
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" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "
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Wish
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