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" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

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" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "