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" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "