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" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "
Steven Wright
Anything
General
Me
Related Quotes:
" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "
Steven Wright
Mirror
Funny
Think
" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "
Steven Wright
Body
Science Fiction
Science
" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "
Steven Wright
Comedy
Doing
Looks
" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "
Steven Wright
Put
You
Would
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
Steven Wright
Seeing
You
Weird
" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "
Steven Wright
Me
Myself
Doing
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
Steven Wright
Me
Time
Mother
" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
Steven Wright
Little
Only
Sand
" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
Steven Wright
Peer
Hermits
Pressure
" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "
Steven Wright
Book
Writing
Numbers
" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "
Steven Wright
Got
Weather
Tired
" How young can you die of old age? "
Steven Wright
Young
Old
Die
" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "
Steven Wright
Writing
Autobiography
" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "
Steven Wright
Evolution
Theory
Adopted
" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "
Steven Wright
Like
Friend
Imagination
" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "
Steven Wright
Joke
Interesting
Help
" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "
Steven Wright
Like
Universe
Talk
" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
Steven Wright
West
Like
Internet
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
Steven Wright
Chocolate
Sacrifice
Rest
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
Steven Wright
Dead
End
Got
" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "
Steven Wright
Doing
Art
Creative
" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "
Steven Wright
Stop
Car
Gone
" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
Steven Wright
Me
Just
Here
" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "
Steven Wright
Kid
You
Train
" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "
Steven Wright
Coffee
Almost
Time
" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
Steven Wright
Me
Vacation
Baby
" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "
Steven Wright
Like
Want
Them
" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "
Steven Wright
Use
Parts
Had
" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "
Steven Wright
Say
Attention
Day
" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "
Steven Wright
Appears
Emotions
Everyone