Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

Related Quotes:

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "