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" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

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" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "