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" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "

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" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in 'Morning Glory' with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone. "

" By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. "

Richard Dawkins

" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "

" It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. "

" I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. "

" I would rather lose a good earring than be caught without make-up. "

" I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. "

Flannery O'Connor

" The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" Some call-in moderators are neutral and courteous. Then there's Rush Limbaugh, who is funny and pompous and a scapegoater and hatemonger. His popularity could cause you to draw some terrible conclusions about the state of mind of the American people. It helps to remember that Bill Cosby is popular, too. "

Donella Meadows

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. "

" Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. "

Cathy Guisewite

" When I was born I owed twelve dollars. "

George S. Kaufman

" You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. "

" I saw a stationery store move. "

" I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that. "

" Katy Perry still gets me every time. She's very funny in person! We met at the Teen Choice Awards and she pulled my cheeks apart and told me how cute I was. My life was literally flashing before my eyes! "

" I try to be funny and not ignorant. "

" It's a funny old world. "

Margaret Thatcher

" A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it. "

" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. "

" The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. "

" Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" We actually found some home videos, some really funny footage of me when I was around 3 years old. I come up to the camera to do a Nixon impression. I don't know who taught me that, but I come up to the camera and said, 'I am not a crook.' I got a really good laugh. You see me register that bringing joy to people is a positive thing. "

Annaleigh Ashford

" It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. "