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" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

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" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "