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" You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. "
" It's funny, I listen to friends who talk about back when they were 14, eight, 16, whatever, as if it was yesterday. Me, I've no idea what I did. It's all a blur, I'm afraid. "
" Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore. "
" I was always good at being observationally funny - like, contributing something funny to the conversation. "
" I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. "
" If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "
" Being funny is everything to me. "
" You see much more of your children once they leave home. "
" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "
" We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. "
" The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. "
Seann William Scott
" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. "
" I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. "
" Some call-in moderators are neutral and courteous. Then there's Rush Limbaugh, who is funny and pompous and a scapegoater and hatemonger. His popularity could cause you to draw some terrible conclusions about the state of mind of the American people. It helps to remember that Bill Cosby is popular, too. "
" I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. "
" Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. "
" The superfluous, a very necessary thing. "
" I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown. "
" A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters. "
" It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' "
" Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. "
" Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! "
" I definitely started to perform a little bit in middle school, but not the typical musical/play route. I think that I am funny, but it was more of a social thing, where that was my part in my circle of friends. "
" Even Napoleon had his Watergate. "
" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "
" I grew up in Minnesota, where we treasure our tradition of civic engagement - and our record of having the nation's highest voter participation. "
" I was flying with my brother, and he challenged me to work out on the airplane. He thought it was funny - and I did it! "
" I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. "
" Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? "
" I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be funny... I think when they see a comedy show with an Iranian and an Egyptian and two Palestinians, I think they go, 'Oh wow, these guys are just like us.' "
" I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. "