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" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
Steven Wright
Everyday
Talking
Jokes
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" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "
Steven Wright
Somewhere
Elephant
Pet
" In the household in which I was raised, the themes were pretty simple. 'Work hard. Don't quit. Be appreciative, be thankful, be grateful, be respectful. Also, never whine, never complain. And always, for crying out loud, keep a sense of humor.' "
Michael Keaton
Humor
Simple
Thankful
" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
Steven Wright
Mind
Remember
Three
" Gags die, humor doesn't. "
Jack Benny
Die
Humor
" I could not tread these perilous paths in safety, if I did not keep a saving sense of humor. "
Horatio Nelson
Humor
Sense Of Humor
Paths
" I don't feel any need to play the role of the clown. In my private life I take a break from humor. "
Gad Elmaleh
Clown
Feel
Humor
" Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. "
Mark Twain
Live
Preach
Teach
" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "
Steven Wright
Born
Television
End
" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
Steven Wright
Washington
Just
Out
" Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. "
Flip Wilson
Cards
You
Humor
" The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. "
e. e. cummings
Humor
Most
Days
" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "
Steven Wright
Classroom
Friends
Laugh
" Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does. "
Bill Nye
Irony
Just
Humor
" Humor is rare in science fiction... there's so little of it that it automatically reminds you of other heroes with that acerbic humor when you find it. "
John Scalzi
Humor
Find
You
" I think being a parent is knowing how to love. Sometimes love is discipline, sometimes it's humor, sometimes it's listening. "
Melissa Etheridge
Think
Love Is
Love
" I love being Latina. I love our values, the way we're so in touch with others, our dark humor, how fun we are, how relaxed we are. I love how hard working, independent, and ambitious we are. "
Eiza Gonzalez
Humor
Values
Latina
" In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue. "
Thomas Jefferson
Virtue
Humor
Good
" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "
Steven Wright
Time
Breakfast
Renaissance
" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "
Steven Wright
World
Kid
Eyes
" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
Steven Wright
Worth
Penny
Someone
" Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. "
Robert Collier
Humor
Thought
Think
" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
Steven Wright
School
Know
Home
" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "
Steven Wright
Act
Stage
Off
" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "
Steven Wright
Speed
Turn
You
" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
Steven Wright
West
Like
Internet
" Laughter is the closest distance between two people. "
Victor Borge
Distance
Laughter
Two
" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "
Steven Wright
Wonderful
Girl
Clothes
" When people are in the midst of really heavy stuff and still have a sense of humor, I admire that. "
Ted Danson
People
Sense Of Humor
Admire
" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "
Steven Wright
Book
Writing
Numbers
" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "
Steven Wright
Wheel
Man
Long