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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

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" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "