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" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "
Steven Wright
Act
Stage
Off
Related Quotes:
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
Steven Wright
Home
Car
Message
" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
Steven Wright
Small
Paint
World
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
Steven Wright
Fun
Experience
Live
" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "
Steven Wright
Writing
Autobiography
" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
Steven Wright
Remember
Book
Great
" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "
Steven Wright
Just
Life
Me
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
Steven Wright
Ever
Get
Press
" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "
Steven Wright
Fast
Way
Worry
" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "
Steven Wright
Way
Visionary
Future
" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
Steven Wright
Worth
Penny
Someone
" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "
Steven Wright
Doing
Race
Think
" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
Steven Wright
Other
Museums
Museum
" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Radio
Would
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
Steven Wright
Too
Swimmer
Rest
" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "
Steven Wright
Anything
Buy
General
" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "
Steven Wright
Write
Writing
Reading
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
Steven Wright
Decided
Enough
He
" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
Steven Wright
West
Like
Internet
" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "
Steven Wright
Much
Time
Bank
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
Steven Wright
Chocolate
Sacrifice
Rest
" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "
Steven Wright
Anything
General
Me
" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
Steven Wright
Me
Pet
Snakes
" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
Steven Wright
Trapped
Power
People
" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "
Steven Wright
Same
Changed
" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "
Steven Wright
Know
Dictionary
How
" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
Steven Wright
Everyday
Talking
Jokes
" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "
Steven Wright
Company
Game
Wrong
" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "
Steven Wright
Comedy
Doing
Looks
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
Steven Wright
Work
You
Better