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" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

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" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "