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" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "
Steven Wright
Wheel
Man
Long
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" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
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Down
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My Life
" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
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Extension
Cord
Invented
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
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Hand
Who
Those
" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "
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Time
Breakfast
Renaissance
" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "
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Last Night
Night
Old
" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "
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Temperature
Room
Matter
" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
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Instant
Know
Time
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
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Ever
Get
Press
" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "
Steven Wright
Map
Existential
You
" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "
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People
Think
Saying
" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
Steven Wright
Trapped
Power
People
" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "
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Just
Life
Me
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
Steven Wright
Going
You
Would
" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
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Look
Circus
Guy
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
Steven Wright
Chocolate
Sacrifice
Rest
" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
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Bad
Clear
Sign
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
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Think
Life
Looking
" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
Steven Wright
Back
I Think
Memories
" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "
Steven Wright
Book
Writing
Numbers
" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
Steven Wright
Become
Laugh
People
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
Steven Wright
Fun
Experience
Live
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
Steven Wright
Watched
Indy
Left
" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "
Steven Wright
Life
Humor
Head
" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
Steven Wright
Mind
Remember
Three
" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "
Steven Wright
Know
Got
Now
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
Steven Wright
People
Live
Apartment
" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
Steven Wright
Small
Paint
World
" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "
Steven Wright
Way
Visionary
Future
" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "
Steven Wright
Canada
You
Well
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
Steven Wright
Decided
Enough
He