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" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

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" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "