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" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

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" Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. "

Charles Kettering

" I'm fascinated with the stories that we tell. Real histories become fantasies and fairy tales, morality tales and fables. There's something interesting and funny and perverse about the way fairytale sometimes passes for history, for truth. "

" Leave America and you'll find that the consumers in many other countries enjoy watching advertising. Not because the products are better, but because the ads are produced to be entertaining. Sometimes they are funny. Sometimes they are dramatic. Sometimes they are just beautiful. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" It's funny, I get a little quieter with time. I don't want to chase my tail and one day repeat myself and repeat myself and one day have kids going to college and not have memories that I should, because I was too busy doing my thing. "

" I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes. "

" If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. "

" I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I love Felicity Jones. It was funny because I went to go see the 'Rogue One' set, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I love you.' And she's so tiny, and elegant, and she's just so small. Everyone's so much smaller than they seem. "

" Its funny, because for females in general - not just in music, but the corporate ladder as well - anything we do has always been harder for us. When it comes to music, the industry wants you to conform, to look like this and to sound like this and do this or that. It makes it harder. It's harder for us to come out and be bosses and lead the pack. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. "

George Jean Nathan

" Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. "

" God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. "

Garrison Keillor

" The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't. "

" Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. "

Arthur C. Clarke

" All I've wanted to be is someone people look up to. It's funny - everyone says I'm controversial. I've never worked out what it is about me that's controversial. I've never had a DUI; I've never been in a brawl; you've never seen photos of me walking out of clubs at 5 A.M. "

" Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid. So be yourself. "

Christina Grimmie

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. "

" Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children. "

Michael Morpurgo

" We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. "

" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "