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" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "
Steven Wright
Born
Television
End
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" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "
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" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "
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" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "
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" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
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" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
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" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "
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" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
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" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
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" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
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" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
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" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
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" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "
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" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "
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" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "
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" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "
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" How young can you die of old age? "
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" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "
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" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "
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" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
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" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
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" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
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" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "
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" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
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" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "
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